Spouse has a build up of intense feelings given thoughts about a specific event (s).

• This may or may not have anything to do with YOU.
• Spouse’s feelings belong to her/him and IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!!! It’s about your spouse!

Detach emotionally, with love from yourself, and become your spouse’s partner in allowing, helping and getting these feelings out and in the open.

• Spouse needs to get feelings out so the stress, pressure and distraction is reduced.
• Spouse needs to see, experience and view these feelings as separate from herself/ himself and experience relief.

Spouse doesn’t want you to fix, judge, evaluate or assess her/his thoughts or feelings…just help, listen and validate her/him.

• To help…”tell me more”, “what does that mean ?”, “explain more about that to me”, etc.
• To validate (see handout)…”I can see/understand, given what happened why you would feel that way”, “It sounds like this has caused you a lot of hurt and frustration”, etc.
• To finish (when spouse is done talking, ask “is there anything more?”)…“Honey, what do you need from me?”, “how can I help you ?”, etc.

Your spouse will not want you to fix, evaluate or give advice 99% of the time and will let you know what she/he wants after you listen without interruption and ask the all important question (s)…”Honey, what do you need and how can I help?”.

Try to empathize with your spouse’s position and find something to agree with that helps you understand her/his position.

Couples don’t always agree and don’t have to. Your spouse doesn’t want you to argue, defend yourself or offer excuses for what has been done or what was hurtful to her/him…