I want to listen and help, but don’t attack me.

1. Spouse has thoughts and feelings and needs to talk about an issue.

v Spouse asks, “Is it alright to talk about this issue?

v Spouse asks (given a yes answer) “Is it alright to talk about this issue now?”

v If now is OK, great and if now is not OK, then make a date and the spouse who needed more time is responsible to get back at the agreed to time and place.

2. Spouse who wants to talk now proceeds, and the listener makes eye contact, acknowledges what

is being said and does not interrupt. (This is about the talker not the listener; don’t argue, try to

fix, access, evaluate or offer options to make it different):

v When I hear you (or the neighbor or someone) say or see you do…these are the thoughts and feelings I have about that.

§ I think……

§ I feel sad, or disappointed, or hurt, or confused, or excited or etc.

§ What I want is…

§ OK, I’m finished for now

3. Listener, now, says “what I heard you say is…(repeating word for word & not adding to or

subtracting from what spouse has said)…did I get it?”

v Spouse says “yes” or “yes & here is the rest of what I meant…”

v “I’m finished”

v Listener, again, summarizes what was heard…”the rest of what I heard is…did I get I ?”

v Spouse now might say “yes”.

4. Listener now becomes the talker and responds to what was said by spouse and understood by

listener.

v I can see how you would feel that way…

v I think…..

v I feel sad too, excited too, etc….

v I can do what you need and want

5. Maybe someone needs to apologize & ask for forgiveness.

6. Maybe someone needs to ask “what do you need from me, how can I help?”

7. Talker & listener exchange roles in the communication process until an agreement, closure and/or

resolution has been reached. Sometimes a future date may be set to continue the discussion.

8. This is a mutually respectful process so remember partners don’t hurt each other’s feelings on

purpose.